I got back from America a week and a half ago and I've been feeling, over the past 4 days, pretty miserable. I have some things that feel unresolved, and I want to write them down. I've written so much hidden stuff these last two weeks, I don't know what to do with it. There are some things I know I need to do that come as an action from RTX, but work is so incredibly intense and I have no motivation. The urge to lay flat on the floor and let the world pass by is massive. So, here goes, with 9 things weighing on my mind, and bear in mind when I say they're unresolved, they're still unresolved, but now they're mostly out of my head, with enough resolution for me to continue.
Yesterday, Monday, I listened to Skindred's album Volume and Nine Inch Nails' EP Add Violence, and it reminded me that when I was younger, on the 14th July 2005 I went to see Nine Inch Nails on their final night of their European tour. I don't ever consider myself a lucky person, except on this trip. Exactly a week before, and exactly a week after, the 7th and 21st, there was a terrorist attack (7th) and a foiled planned attack, in London. That gig was surprisingly memorable, there was a lot of dedication, and there was a certain air to it. The support was a guy called Saul Williams, and it would be my first real introduction into a split bill where I started to really understand similarities in cultures between different subcultures. A music nerd is a music nerd, no matter what music they like. I think a few years later, seeing the same band, Nine Inch Nails, I was on a train back, and the fans shared the train with also returning fans of Skindred. I know so vividly it was this pair of bands because of their stark contrast, but adoration and mutual respect among the fans that made it somewhat the most memorable train ride I've had.
Dear Mr @burnie Burns, you gave me the most excellent opportunity to identify myself and promote myself when I met you and I flapped it hard. I get very excitable and words spewed from my mouth, where I know I should have said: "Yeah, I've used your site to write a journal every day for 1282, I think, days." I didn't, instead, I went on some strange tangent that never really resolved. While I'm not too keen on promoting myself, you lead me in better than at the time I realised, and I thank you for that and sticking with what I said, and shrugging it off as me being a disorganised mess.
I met some other staff at RTX, and all those interactions felt resolved, and I am satisfied. I know an action for me that came out of the Ask the CEO panel and subsequently asking Matt himself was how to send an email to him for the questions that were raised from the panel, having asked him at the Documentary panel. I met Jeremy and Ryan also and had a wonderful time chatting with them, and spoke to Jeremy about potentially working together with @grenou to smash out some banging tunes.
I suck at writing. More accurately, I did, now I'm not so terrible, but I don't know if I'll ever feel confident enough to the point where I'll blindly fire something off with out scrutinising all the words that I use. I responded to an email today with the wrong syntax and it's still weighing on my mind. I know I've got better at my general writing but I've had to write one or two confrontational emails, where I've needed to stick to a firm stance on something, and that's been massively my downfall.
What's become apparent to me is my need for peace and tranquillity, and how I don't want to upset any balance, I like to think I'm level headed. However, it's so much so that I know I'm relentlessly positive, and when I am experiencing a time like I am right now, that when I say I'm okay, it's most likely a sign that I'm not okay, that my neutrality is out of character, and that instead of indicating that I'm not good, I'm feeling sad, or stressed, that I'll say I'm okay, so that I'm not drawing attention to myself. While I know that's wrong, I don't want to cause a fuss. I know my place in the world, and suffering is part of nature, and in my world, there is not enough of letting the world take it's course, especially while there is more significant suffering in the world. I don't want to devalue anyone else's suffering, and if I'm taking that view then I should concentrate on my own and not shrug it aside.
While in Austin, I went to Gordoughs, with a bunch of people, saddened by the fact the downtown restaurants were closed, I had one opportunity to gorge myself, and oh boy, did I. I got myself the Big Baller with a veggie patty, which has on it Pimento Cheese, a delight that I only tried for the first time the week before, red onion, which while around a certain someone is suspiciously absent from my diet, and a decent slice or two of tomato, a fruit whose importance and deliciousness I've never really considered until this year. The whole thing was exquisite, and I savoured every bite. Then, not completely satisfied, and with my dessert belly empty, I ordered a blackout, a doughnut topped with chocolate fudge sauce, brownies, and chocolate chips. It was perfection, and I devoured the whole thing.
At the airport, we decided that a preflight ice cream was in order, so we headed to Amy's Ice Cream, where I ordered an ice cream they called the cookie monster, and then I modified it a little. They added to oreo ice cream, an oreo, a choc chip cookie, and cookie dough, and I insisted that they further add some peanut butter ice cream and a Reese's cup. The resulting mess of ice cream and amazingness was exactly what I was craving in the moment, and yet another case of me choosing the wrong time to inhale a silly amount of sugar before a flight. Only 4 days before did I eat 3 doughnuts for breakfast before getting on a flight.
I like Lemonade. Yeah, I said it. The stuff we have over here, the delightful lemon flavoured carbonated beverage or the stuff you have over there, sugar and lemons and water. It's all good with me. Over here I'd rather have a sprite, but I'll get what I'm given. Over where you are, I accidentally asked for lemonade a few times too many, as I forget that it means an entirely different thing. I'll still take it, however, I'm given it though.
I maybe got distracted a few too many times while on my adventures looking at ingredients that go into soaps. Yeah, soaps. We visited a Lush and got given some fancy soap somewhere else. I have no idea where I'll be in the future, but I've been fascinated with soaps for the last few years, as at work we had a few products that were for hand soaps, but that business has gone away. I have retained my keen adoration of soaps, and I've certainly been putting things together in my head on how I would go about making them, and whether I'd want to make solid soaps or liquid soaps. Liquids are easier in most aspects, where as solids need heating a cooling, something I'm not particularly familiar with. Aaahhh so many thoughts, I have taken this from the page, but it's absolutely going back on to the page and further expanding as I have far too many thoughts to elongate this already gargantuan journal post.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for being you. This has been cathartic.
Have an excellent day! You're all my favourites!